Column: A few tips for surviving a long Nevada Day parade

A great thing about Carson City is that it has three of the best parades in the state.

Unfortunately, all three are on the same day.

I don't want to say the Nevada Day parade is long, but legend has it the Donner party would have made it over the pass before winter except for the fact they drew No. 272 in the parade lineup that year.

Their oxen had been averaging about 2 miles a day since Missouri, so parade marshals warned them to back off a tad.

If you've never been to the Nevada Day parade, which starts at 10 a.m. Saturday, I have some tips for you:

- Dress in layers. When the parade starts, it could be very chilly. By the time the parade ends, it could be July.

- Come prepared to heckle the politicians. It's a prime opportunity to stand three deep in the crowd and holler witty criticisms at them anonymously.

- Watch out for E. Clampus Vitus, otherwise known as the Clampers, the descendents of a nouveau riche clan of mountaineers who moved to Beverly Hills after discovering oil. Oh, wait. That's the Clampetts.

- The only groups potentially more dangerous in Northern Nevada than the Clampers are the Republican Women and the Genoa Town Board.

- There will be a dog driving a car. It's only an illusion.

- Most of the politicians will be carrying signs identifying themselves. This is so you can distinguish them from the rear ends of the horses.

- A lot of guys will be carrying guns. They're not loaded. The guns, I mean.

- Anyone visiting from out of state will get the idea the two most important things in the lives of Nevadans are horses and old cars. They would be right.

- The fact that John Ensign is No. 131 in the parade and Ed Bernstein No. 181 is no reflection whatsoever on the political leanings of Carson City. As far as I can tell, the election will be over by the time either one of them passes you.

- The politicians are in the parade only because they are dedicated public servants. They are not campaigning for office. Remember that Ensign is just a veterinarian, and Bernstein is just a lawyer. And if your dog gets hit by a car during the parade, you'll be glad both are there.

- I have it on good authority that Entry No. 198 has been practicing a routine that involves K-mart shopping carts. You might want to stick around for that one. Or you might want to come early, go home and watch a football game, and come back.

- Shriners will drive funny little cars in circles in the street. Nobody knows why.

- The louder you cheer for the bands, the louder they play.

- There's no truth to the rumor the real reason the Legislature approved a three-day Nevada Day weekend is that it gave the people at the end of the parade a chance to actually get downtown before the holiday was over.

- It is permissable to bring, say, a half-pint of schnapps so that you can take a nip from time to time in order to keep warm. You should not share your bottle with strangers, especially the ones off the E. Clampus Vitus float.

- U.S. Sen. Richard Bryan will be grand marshal of the parade. He got the honor by promising not to run for re-election. Other politicians should take note.

- The best place to warm up after the parade is at Sen. Bryan's chili feed in the Carson Nugget. It's nonpartisan. You'll see both Democrats and Republicans eating chili. That's because it's free.

- Remember, nobody else in the world has a Nevada Day parade. You can make of that whatever you want.

- If the parade is too long or the weather too cold, you can always watch it on Carson Access Television. Over and over.

- The best reason to watch the parade on CAT 10 television is that you won't be able to hear the dumb jokes told by KBUL disk jockeys.

- The Nevada Appeal has a float in cooperation with the Boys & Girls Club of Western Nevada. I won't be on the float, so feel free to applaud.

- I want to thank the Nevada Day Committee for making an effort to cut back on the number of entrants. The best move, as far as I could tell from looking at the parade lineup, was allowing only one supervisor, Kay Bennett. Who needs to see more than one supervisor?

- Nevada Day organizers are inviting parade spectators to dress in period costume to get in the spirit of the day. Depending on the weather, I suggest a wardrobe resembling Snowshoe Thompson.

In all seriousness, I urge everybody to turn out for the parade tomorrow. Be sure to take your children. There's nothing more satisfying than watching them grow into adults right before your eyes.

(Barry Smith is managing editor of the Nevada Appeal.)