Florida seems to be flunking out of Electoral College

Random thoughts from a political hangover...

-- Now that Missouri has elected a dead man to the U.S. Senate, I think he ought to serve.

-- It's bad enough to lose ... but to lose to a dead guy?

-- Let's see ... Gore hails from Tennessee, but lost there. Bush has a brother who runs Florida, but that state and the election now hinges on a precinct where plastic pink flamingos outnumber both Republicans and Democrats 3 to 1.

-- Someone suggested I apologize to Mayor Ray Masayko for not voting for him.

-- Nope.

-- Mayor Ray said he'd bury the hatchet if I delivered it. Hey, Ray, I don't even own a hatchet. I voted for the other guy. So did 7,500 other people. Our guy lost. You won. Congratulations. Now go fix the traffic.

-- Thanks for approving the school bond. My children, their classmates and teachers appreciate it.

-- For the second time in two years Nevada voters said they wanted marijuana for medical purposes. Now it's up to lawmakers to either grow it, or buy it from Vinnie, who fronts as a tie-dye T-shirt salesman down the street.

-- Were we really asked to vote on whether two people of the same sex can be married? Maybe they already started handing out the medical marijuana.

-- Craig Swope down at Carson Access Television said I batted .500 on my political endorsements. No I didn't. The only one I was on the wrong side of was Mayor Ray, which simply means I'll have something to keep me entertained for the next four years.

-- There is, of course, the Bush-Gore race yet to be decided. But that doesn't count because nobody in charge seems to know how to count.

-- No matter what side of the fence you sit on, there is no doubting that something very peculiar went down in Palm Beach County, Florida, on election night. According to a columnist in the West Palm Beach Post, the ballot "looked like a menu at a Chinese restaurant," which could explain why 19,120 county residents voted for more than one presidential candidate. Calling it the "Buffet Effect," the columnist said it was an "all you can vote" mentality.

-- Whenever there are more than three cameras rolling you can find Jesse Jackson. The Reverend is in Palm Beach County trying to turn this into a racial and ethnical issue.

-- Hey, Jesse. Race and religion had nothing to do with the 320 ballots "overlooked" in a beach-front park. Stupidity seems to be rampant among all West Palm Beach residents. Maybe you ought to organize a Stupid Man March and explain to the gathering that you can only vote for one presidential candidate at a time.

-- The Electoral College? Try explaining that one to a foreign observer. "Here's how it works. First you register to vote, which you can do provided you are 18 and have never been convicted of a felony (lying to Congress doesn't count). Then you must watch 10,000 hours of political ads on TV. Then you vote by punching holes next to the names you like, provided the names and the holes are lined up neater than a row of plastic pink flamingos. Then you sit back on election night and wait for the yellow states to turn either blue or red as the Electoral College professors huddle to either count or disregard your vote. Then, if you don't like the results you can claim ignorance and do it all over again."

You go on to explain that the reason we have an Electoral College in the first place is to ensure that all 13 sates have an equal say. No. That can't be it. We have an Electoral College in the event the majority of the voters make a dumb decision. No. That's not it either. Voters make dumb decisions all the time (remember West Palm Beach and the dead Senator-elect in Missouri?). We have an Electoral College for those whose SAT scores can't get them into a four-year university. Yeah. That's the ticket.

-- I had an uncle who flunked out of Electoral College once. He couldn't explain the election process to visiting foreign dignitaries.

-- A couple of nights before the election I got a call from Nevada's First Lady Dema Guinn. "Hello. This is Dema Guinn," began Dema. I started to reply, but she kept on talking, encouraging me to vote Republican. When she finally finished I was about to ask her if I could bring the family over for a barbecue or something but she hung up. I learned later it was a tape recording and that she had made the same call to 10,000 other personal friends.

-- With all the celebrities making taped election eve phone calls on behalf of Gore and Bush, I wonder who was calling for Nader? Maybe it was Kermit the (it's not easy being green) Frog.

-- The British tabloids seem to be having fun with our presidential election snafu. One headline accused us of having a "Mickey Mouse" system. Prince Charles must not be dropping his polo pants as frequently these days.

Jeff Ackerman is publisher and editor of the Nevada Appeal.