I received most of my moral and spiritual guidance from a number of different sources. I did not have the experience of a strong family commitment to regular church attendance or membership in my youth, so my influences were largely derived from the secular world: school, mass media, my friends and the culture of America if the '50s and '60s.
When I did attend church I scanned the ceiling for an appearance of God during prayer and fidgeted throughout the sermon, wondering how long this guy could talk. Other than a sense of being on their best Sunday behavior, and a faint air of disapproval (which was well-founded in my case), I could detect no difference between people at church and people everywhere else.
Later on, when my parents sent my brother and I off to church on our own, we would cut church and spend the offering in a cafe. In short, I was a rebellious and unrepentant little heathen, as perfect an example of a person predisposed to unbelief and dead in sin as you could find. When forced to hear the Gospel, I did not listen, and given a choice to hear I ran the other way.
Even in the placid America of the '50s, it was possible to slip between the ecumenical cracks and grow up without the effective influence of ministry. An armed service family, we moved every other year and lacked the stabilizing influence of community and family.
Until we moved to Northern Nevada, no one ever evangelized us. Our nomadic life simply intensified the condition of the natural man - an existence characterized by its temporary nature, unclear purpose and unsure future.
Seeking any kind of permanence only led to hurt and frustration. Avoiding pain and maximizing pleasure appeared to be both meaningful and practical, and for over 50 years I pursued these twin pillars of American philosophy with great vigor - right up until the day Jesus Christ broke my heart.
Like the preacher in Ecclesiastes 1:8-9, I had reached the point where ..."All things are full of weariness; a man cannot utter it; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing ... and there is nothing new under the sun."
Pleasure had lost its allure; comfort was no longer comfortable; the Great American Dream Machine had flaking chrome and a musty smell of death coming from the back seat. Jesus showed me the movie of my life without the glossy veneer of self-deception.
You see, Satan issues a pair of sunglasses when you enlist in his army, and with them you see yourself in a very flattering light, and your view of rationalism, humanism and relativism becomes crystal clear.
Absolutes, like truth, are difficult to see and it's fun to be intellectual and talk to people about "my truth" being good for me and "your truth" being sufficient for you
( ...they became futile in their thinking and their senseless minds were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools. Romans 1:21-22)
Finally hearing His Word with power, through tears I saw what I had become: spiritually dead, physically corrupt, and morally unwise. Yet throughout my selfish and sinful life He sustained me and interceded for me, lest I be lost - so that now I may confess with my lips that Jesus is Lord!
Hear my words, church - there are many others like me, I did not know it, but people were praying for my awakening. And it is vital that we all persevere in prayer.
If you are burdened to pray, God is working through you. Remember that "The Lord is far from the wicked but he hears the prayer of the righteous." Proverbs 15:29.
And, "What shall I render to the Lord for all his bounty to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord, I will pay my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people." Psalm 116:12-14.
Roger Kirkland is a lead layman at Silver Hills Community Church in Carson City. Call 885-2812.
