Fresh Ideas: What makes you happy?

Are you happy?

Does this seem like a simple question? Since Freud, we have understood that much of the human condition is spent seeking happiness and avoiding painful events.

Yet, when I ask patients what makes them happy they often respond, "I don't know." And, according to a group of new research studies, they are right: People are not good at knowing what really makes them happy.

If you haven't had a chance to hear about this new research it has been reported on National Public Radio and in the New York Times Magazine. Dr. Daniel Gilbert, a psychologist from Harvard, has been studying happiness with two other noteworthy psychologists and an economist. The group is studying what they call "affective forecasting," which is your ability to predict what will make you happy in the near future.

Before you read any further, what do you think they found: health, beauty, wealth, job promotion, marriage, or children? Guess again. As a matter of fact, believe it or not, these things will bring you little in the way of happiness.

Herein, these researchers say, lies the problem. We are all caught up trying to attain these things, because we think they will make us happy. What these researchers found may surprise you.

First, people do not understand what really makes them happy. Second, we are inadequate at improving our well-being. And, third, we overestimate the intensity and duration of our emotional reaction to future events.

For instance, the excitement of buying an expensive new car or getting a big raise will soon fade and will not lead to long-term happiness. And, when someone we love dies, we will eventually move on.

Marriage, children, big purchases, pay raises, promotions, and beauty will not affect happiness. Income above middle class does not lead to happiness, but poverty is associated with unhappiness. Children, for the most part, don't make us happier, and often drive marital satisfaction down.

Marriage doesn't impact happiness; if you were happy before you were married you will most likely be happily married. If you weren't, marriage is unlikely to make you happier. Even health doesn't affect happiness significantly. These researchers found that people who were happy before serious illness or even paraplegias were for the most part happy living with these conditions.

Why? Essentially the brain is quite protective. When something bad happens the brain musters up a variety of defenses to protect us, such as rationalization, justification, and other self-calming logics that pacify our emotions and return us to our previous level of happiness. Simply, we tend to get over tragic events eventually.

Why don't big purchases bring us happiness? One of the researchers summed it up, "We don't realize how quickly we will adapt to a pleasurable event and make it the backdrop of our lives. When any event occurs to us, we make it ordinary. And through becoming ordinary, we lose our pleasure." Furthermore, in our consumer- and beauty-driven society, we have become confused about what that is.

So, of course, the big question is: What will make you happy? This question has been studied by a variety of researchers since the mid 1990s and there are several common denominators.

Consider genetics. People are genetically predisposed to happiness, melancholy, or somewhere in between. Life experiences affect us, and experiencing on-going traumas drives happiness down.

Finally, personality traits play an important role. There are 20 personality traits that have consistently been found to relate to whether you tend toward depression or a sense of well-being.

Of these personality traits, self-esteem is the most important. Positive self-esteem seems to dictate life choices that lead to happiness. Those who believe in themselves surround themselves with good people, won't be mistreated, and seek positive experiences. Ironically, the more insecure people are, the more they believe that erroneous things will make them happy.

Of almost equal importance to self-esteem is an ability to love others and to be loved. Having at least a few close friendships, and being a good friend, cannot be underrated. Autonomy, or a belief that your activities and life choices are self-chosen and self-directed, is important.

And, feeling that you are competent at something is essential. CEOs of a company are no happier than janitors. If you feel your occupation is meaningful, whatever it is, you will be happier than if it is just "your job." Other traits that lead to happiness are altruism and generosity, creativity, spirituality, courage and wisdom.

As people age they tend to become happier. It is hypothesized that as we age, we regulate our feelings more effectively and we figure out what genuinely makes us happy. Older people tend to spend more time with the special people in their lives and doing activities they enjoy or that feel meaningful.

So, everyone out there trying to become more attractive, focused on popularity, notoriety, luxury, wealth, or even health, if your goal is happiness, you may as well give these pursuits up. Find yourself a few close friends, find work that feels meaningful to you, spend your free time in activities you enjoy, help others, and be good to the world -- you might be surprised at how happy you feel.

Lisa Keating, Ph.D., is a Carson City clinical psychologist.