In honor of St. Patrick, a wee story

'Tis St. Patrick's Day tomorrow, and Josie Graham's birthday ... corned beef and cabbage, green beer and great stories:

An Irish priest is driving through the city and gets stopped for speeding. The deputy smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

"Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

"Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

(Maizie wanted to phony this one up and put local names in it, but Carolyn said she would commit a mortal sin and kill her if she did ... probably to save Father Jerry and Sheriff Furlong the trouble ... so she didn't ...)

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We are considering signing the school board and teachers to contracts with the World Wrestling Federation ... we're sure tickets would sell like hotcakes and raise oodles of money ... 'twould make everybody happy ...

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The subject of highway memorial markers, like that of Krystal Steadman's, will be the topic of meetings around the state soon ... If you wish to comment here in Carson City, go to the Highway Department, 1263 S. Stewart St., 3rd floor, on Thursday from 4-7 p.m ... We think that roadside memorials tend to make people drive more carefully, rather than being distracting ...

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Carolyn says her Grandfather Glavin was always on the lam from somebody ... one day, he had "escaped" into a local cemetery and found himself hiding behind a tombstone ... when the "heat" was gone, he looked at the tombstone and read, "As I am now, so will you be. Prepare yourself to follow me."

He thought about that for a minute, then added with a marker, "To follow you, I'm not content; until I find which way you went."

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Questions that beg to be answered: Is Daron Rahlves hot, or what? Is Martha's goose finally cooked? Will Cary Groth stand up to Chris Ault? Does going to a Nascar race make you "macho" and a "regular guy?"

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Cathleen "Cat" Allison is ticked off by people flipping their cigarettes out of their car windows or emptying their cigarette trays in parking lots ... you're right, Cat, that's disgusting ... but then they probably think flinging beer bottles by the side of the road and peeing on buildings is keen, too ... real winners, all ...

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A reader has asked if the new paved parking area next to Mills Park is ever going to be opened ... is it just for special occasions (the lines have just been painted though, we notice)? He also noted a "Support Martha Stewart" rally at the former Kmart building asking that the store manager bring back her merchandise ... gee, should someone have told them the store was closed months ago? ... try Reno ...

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Another reader asked our opinion on punishing children in public ... you know, the child is screaming in the supermarket (everybody's favorite scenario), and the parent yells at or whacks the kid right there.

Well, now ... our initial advice is to never take the child out in the first place ... make the trip to the store or restaurant a true vacation for the adults in the family ... ahhhh, we dream .... Seriously, however, the best thing when a child acts up is to remove him or her from the place immediately, no matter what the inconvenience (be proud, Dr. Phil).

We also have some advice for parents ... never ever, ever take a child to a toy store ... what are you thinking? That's like giving a shopaholic an unlimited credit card, or taking an alcoholic into a bar ... you get the picture. Never, ever take a hungry kid out shopping, or one who needs a nap ... that's asking for a meltdown. Only go for short trips for a few things.

There is, nonetheless, a caveat here ... (it's Murphy's law) a kid will often behave at home where he doesn't have an audience, but becomes a parent's worst nightmare when out in public and knows his parents won't kill him no matter how badly he acts ... that's when the battle of the wills takes place ... the kid becomes a brat, a dreaded tantrum monster, and the parent sees strangling as a good thing ... so sometimes, and only sometimes, a quick swat to the butt is a marvelous solution.

We say this as the parents of adult children who survived through no fault of their own. Of course, our children were perfect, and we never had these problems (extortion money is expected from seven anonymous people here) ... Aren't you glad you asked?

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And now, a St. Paddy's Day blessing: "May you be in Heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead." Amen ...

Carolyn DeMar and Maizie Harris Jesse are longtime Carson City residents. Write them at editor@nevadaappeal.com.