Shakespeare it ain't, but it's still funny

These quotes ain't by Shakespeare ... someone we know and love had never had a massage and asked a friend, "What are they supposed to touch?"

He said, "Here, let me show you ... " Yeah ... right.

And another friend told us recently that he was "very disillusioned" that Chris Ault was "just" coaching Nevada ... "I thought maybe he'd play again ... " Might help ...

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So along those sporty lines ... we see a family in New York is suing its school district because the daughter got hurt playing dodgeball ... it's now a possibility the court will rule in their favor and not allow dodgeball in any school in the state. Where is it written that we be protected from everything? Dumb, dumb, dumb ... just wrap her in bubblewrap and leave her at home ... case solved ...

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We also read that many female airline travelers are now being "intimately searched" at many airports in the name of "national security." Does the government now run an ad, "Attention Perverts: Feeling down? ... do we have a job for you!" They'll teach you how to "feel good." Hey ... if they're going that far ... why not just strip everybody and give them massages ... that's the "kill two birds with one stone" theory ...

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Good stuff going on this week in Carson City: St. Teresa's School is presenting "The Mouse's Tale" at the church this Saturday at 11 a.m. ... it's free to all, and all are invited, with a reception to follow ... t'will start a very Merry Christmas season.

And Greenhouse Garden Center has a host of Christmas treats ... an open house on Saturday (you could make it a day with both of these events) with Christmas music by the Douglas High Jazz Band at 1 p.m. ... the CC Recreation Talent Show is at the Community Center on Friday at 7 p.m. ... lots of talented kids performing their best that night ... and speaking of talented kids ... Carson Performing Arts is presenting "Oliver Twist" at the Brewery Arts Center beginning tomorrow (883-1976 for information) ... and the BAC Student Pottery sale is on Saturday at 10 a.m. ... a good chance to pick up some great gifts at a great price ... so go, participate and appreciate ...

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And more of the same: The lighting of the Capitol Christmas tree will take place Thursday (887-1294) with Santa and caroling ... and the Victorian Home Christmas Tour on Sunday (882-1805) ... don't tell us there's "nuthin' to do here in town" ... and our last "things to do" this week ... don't forget "The Cutest and the Ugliest Dog" contest at Sierra Veterinary Hospital, 1477 N. Saliman Road on Thursday (230-6229) ... you have until 3:30 p.m. to enter your pooch ... the judge is the Honorable John Tatro ... and Dr. Gary Ailes will be signing his new book "Happy Tails - Hilarious Helpful Hints for Dog Owners." Arf, arf ...

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From our friend Bob Herzog ... "A young ventriloquist is doing his show in a small town and starts in with some "dumb blonde" jokes. A blonde in the fourth row jumps up and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype me that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being or reaching her full potential? You continue to perpetrate discrimination against women in general.'

"The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister ... I'm talking to the little dope on your knee!'" Well, of course ... (that's why we dyed our hair red this week)

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All our best to fellow columnist Don Quilici (a kissing cousin of Maizie's) ... at the advice of his doctor, he is ending his long run on CAT-10 TV's "The Outdoor Recreation Show" ... he will be missed ... but he'll still be in the Appeal Sport pages, so that's a "good thing" ... and happy 50th anniversary to Joyce and Bob Hamlin ... even if Joyce does go to her chiropractor, Brad Pastro, who's never heard of us ... ouch ... (but at least Joyce and her dear friend, Barbara Hawley, are fans) ... it was also good to see Tim Morsani putting in a good day's work pounding in posts for WNCC's new safe-driving class sign ... do you hire out, Tim?

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Insider information: We got the skinny that "The Bachelor" TV show really puts the pressure on the "bachelor" to propose to the final girl at the end of the show ... Bob Guiney (the bachelor who didn't propose) was telling some people at the Hilton that they really wanted him to marry the girl ... he didn't ... he's living happily ever after anyway ...

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Diane Fisher told us ... "A dollar bill and a 20 were in a wallet together and began talking. The 20 proclaimed, "I've been all over the U.S.A. ... Vegas, New York, the finest restaurants ... even a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow," said the dollar, "I've been to the Methodist church, the Lutheran church, the Catholic church ... "

The 20 interrupted, "What's a church?" This season ... let the 20 find out ...

Carolyn DeMar and Maizie Harris Jesse are longtime Carson City residents. Write to them at editor@nevadaappeal.com.