Resolving to get your search for romance under your control

The beginning of a new year is time to assess what you have accomplished and where you are heading. While most of us set specific goals as to our careers, business and monetary success, few examine their social life with little more than wishful thinking or hope that some how you might cross paths with the love of your life.

What makes us so lackadaisical socially? What is it about love that makes the most successful person unrealistic about their expectations? No one accepts a job offer thinking this one job will lead to the presidency, the be-all, end-all, one-position career for a lifetime. And yet, when you are single, you meet one person you are attracted to and expect your love life will just all work out, like some fairy tale or Hollywood movie.

The truth is a successful social life requires a plan that should begin with how you are going to meet the types of people you want to meet? Finding people on a social level is hard, and it gets more difficult each time you are disappointed in love. It is safe to assume you become more jaded and less open to meeting people. As we age, there is much more at stake; much more to lose than a broken heart. Unfortunately, the less you are willing to be vulnerable, the less likely you will experience an open and honest relationship.

So let's pretend you are seeing the types of people with whom you would like to develop a relationship. The next obstacle is meeting that person. Simply making an introduction, asking for a social commitment and going out on a first date can be gruesome. Every time you make that first date, you are putting yourself on the line to be disappointed again. You are challenging the universe to make the chance encounter more than a mutual acquaintance. You put all your eggs in one basket, based on one date, that this person will meet your social requirements and that you will meet theirs. Have you any idea of what the likelihood of that happening really is?

OK, you find them, you meet them, and then the real work begins to determine if you are compatible. Our studies show most people get stopped by one or more of these obstacles because they do not know a better way around them and then they take one of two unthinkable actions: settle for a relationship of convenience or give up on ever having a loving relationship.

But what is the cost of being alone and lonely? I am not talking about people who are working on themselves, becoming accustomed to living alone or getting in touch with who they are and what they like. I am talking about being inactive socially, feelings of social unworthiness and giving up. Those thoughts will take their toll on your psyche and affect all other areas of your life from your career goals to your physical health.

You do not have to give up on love. You do have to do something with the sole intention of meeting some one with whom you can share the excitement of life. You have to overcome your fears of disappointment, abandonment, and feelings that you do not deserve real love and a healthy relationship.

Once you make the decision to meet someone special, you have to be as proactive as you would about your education, career or physical health. You have to meet people with an open mind, a positive attitude and not project your past relationships onto this possibility. You have to get real about the opportunities that are available to you and what type of relationship you would like to develop.

The truth is that the love of your life may not be sitting in a restaurant waiting for you to appear. The person you want to meet may not look like the mental picture you have in your head. And a healthy and happy relationship may not be as easy to attain as it was when you were 20. However, there are decent, attractive, compatible and available people out there. It takes a little more effort and you need to be purposeful with your intent. But, it can happen to you!

Tressa O'Lear is president of Together,

a matchmaking service in Reno.