Daniel H. Pink's "The Power of Regret"
By Terri Schlichenmeyer Special to the NNBW
Friday, March 18, 2022
It probably wasn't the smartest move you've ever made.
Eh, it was actually pretty dumb but you were young, inexperienced, parsimonious, brash, uninformed, or bullheaded and over time, you've learned to own that oops. It bothers you sometimes, and you think about it too often. So find “The Power of Regret” by Daniel H. Pink and learn what to do with those itchy thoughts.
No regrets.
It's a mantra for our times but, says Pink, it's “dead wrong.” Having regrets is “healthy and universal” and “also valuable.” Yes, we must have positivity in our lives but we also need fear, disgust, anger, and guilt to “balance” us. We need regret to make us think more deliberately, to make us cherish that which we have, to be kinder, but also as a way of acknowledging things we did or didn't do and using them to grow.
Humans tend to tell themselves stories: if I hadn't done this, then I'd have that now. I chose one thing and got something less. I said something I wish I hadn't said. We “mentally travel through time and... conjure incidents and outcomes that never happened” (called “counterfactual thinking”) and then we assign blame for it. We “At Least” something (At least I wasn't fired) or we “If Only” it (If only I'd gotten the job) – the first which makes us feel better, the latter which makes us miserable.
So what can we do when we start mind-looping regret?
Be honest with yourself about what was done and then practice “self-compassion.” Imagine all the good things you might have missed, had the original decision been different. Learn the four main kinds of regret, in order to understand they really mean and what you need from them. Don't let awkwardness double-down on a regret for lost connection; forgive yourself for moral regrets; be a little more bold in your day-to-day life. Most regrets, Pink says, are If Onlys, so learn to turn them into At Leasts. Make amends.
Or “Make a choice,” says Pink, “and move on. You'll be fine.”
Oh, the things you rue! The hindsight conversations you've had, the what-ifs you imagine! You might've even lost sleep over them once or twice, but “The Power of Regret” shows you how to harness that unease and to do better next time.
Or this time, as the case may be, because what you'll learn within a few minutes of cracking this book open will make you want to examine and soothe your inner mistake-maker. It's okay to feel a very human desire for do-overs, as author Daniel H. Pink shows and science knows, but there's no sense in wallowing in remorse, since our regrets can be useful. This idea, plus the forgiveness that Pink urges readers see is like receiving absolution: we're a knuckleheaded species, but one with a releasing capacity to grieve and grow.
When your shoulda-coulda-woulda'ing gets out of hand, this book is what you need. Put those feelings aside by using “The Power of Regret.” It's just smart.
Terri Schlichenmeyer is the reviewer behind “The Bookworm Sez,” a self-syndicated book review column published in more than 260 newspapers and magazines. Reach her at bookwormsez.com.
